Difficult Week 3

So, I worked 36 hours this week (4 x 9 hour days). And it wasn't easy. I was exhausted each night. I've been experiencing lots of sadness. I'm tired of what I'm allowed to eat, and I often don't feel hungry enough to bother. I've not been getting in enough fluids, and, constipation has plagued me. (And I left a message for the Doc yesterday and never heard back.... grateful for my coworker who is a bit over a year after her surgery with the same doc who told me they'd let her take a stool softener pretty early on. Did that and it helped some.) I walked 5 days out of the last 7, but that included two days in a row without walking. Just didn't feel like going to the trouble of changing clothes and leaving the house. Now, I have a history of depression, y'all. I've been on meds since 1997, and will always be on them. After years of therapy, I do recognize the beginning stages.... but I'm praying, and I invited others to pray for me, and I've got lots of caring friends who've been checking on me and encouraging me (hooray for my FB family!!!!). I felt better today, but still not back to normal.

Before my surgery, I would go to Dunkin Donuts about 4 out of 5 days I worked. It was a great morning break routine. I'd get a medium coffee, cream and sugar, and a donut or two. On Fridays or if I was having a tough day, I'd "treat" myself to a vanilla creme filled donut. Yesterday, I decided to leave the office to get coffee, and I felt really sad knowing that a vanilla creme filled donut wasn't an option, no matter how much I wanted it to comfort me. I wasn't hungry, mind you. It's been interesting to observe my longings to return to previous behavior patterns, especially when those longings have nothing to do with actual hunger. Going by fast food places and just wishing I could stop in for a McDonalds cone or a Wendy's frosty. Wanting a "coke and a smile". Desperately wanting coffee with cream and sugar (though I admit I'm growing fond of my only "treat" these days ..... Iced Tall Skinny Vanilla Lattes with 2 splendas from Starbucks). It takes me over an hour to drink those, btw!

I've had trouble getting enough food in, too. Today, for instance, I made an iced latte at home but only drank about 1/8th of it (I find that's a great compromise for me ..... I have an AeroPress Coffee Maker that makes awesome espresso fast, and then I can add a cup of 1% milk (9 g of protein!), SF Vanilla Syrup, and a little splenda). Just wasn't hungry/thirsty. At lunch, I ate about 4 bites of lowfat cottage cheese with no sugar added peaches, then felt so full I was afraid to eat anymore. Around 4 PM I had 6 oz of yogurt. I drank a small glass of water after walking with my sister around 8:30, and just now I'm eating half of a toasted lowfat wholegrain english muffin with a little Simply Jiff peanut butter. And, that's going slowly because it keeps feeling like it's clogging my pipe. I am consciously counting my chews .... 30 chews for each tiny bite so it'll go down and not be a repeat of the pita bread incident. I mean, lord have mercy, I THOUGHT I used to be too focused on food and eating, but take a look at me now!

So, if you're the praying type, I'd really appreciate being lifted in your prayers. I'm praying for fewer issues with my liquid and food schedule, for a positive attitude, for joy in my heart, and for less pity parties.

I do hope to write a few posts about why I chose surgery, and how it wasn't a quick decision, the only option I tried, or an easy way out. Unfortunately, between my busy weekend last weekend and feeling exhausted in the evenings this week, I just haven't been feeling up for writing them. I hope to get them to you tomorrow!