An apple a day....

Once Ben and I decided buying memory for his ancient Mac Laptop was dumb (his original birthday gift), we returned the memory card and now we're waiting on THIS to be shipped.... An iMac.... 17-inch widescreen LCD with 1.83GHz Intel Core Duo with 2MB ..... The computer is is all part of the monitor. ONE cord... the power cord. Even the keyboard and mouse are wireless!

Ben's freaking a little bit because I made this decision in the Julyan way... thoughtfully, but QUICKLY. Decision thought through, decision decided upon, decision acted upon. And PRESTO, it's in the mail. And it would already be home with us, but they can't upgrade to the hard drive Ben wants in the Apple store, so we had to order it online.

We used my Dad's student discount, so that means we'll also be getting an iPod nano for FREE! Hooray! Ben already has an iPod, so guess who gets the little one? (-: 2GB which holds 500 songs. Plenty for lil' ol' me! It's going to be engraved (also for free): Jennifer Greenwald, "myPod for myTunes". Almost included "iPod therefore iAm", but decided on my name instead.



Happy Birthday, Honey!!!!!!! (-:

Happy Birthday, Honey!

Ben turns 37 today. I love him more today than I did the day I married him. He's a wonderful husband!

Work is going better, BTW.

The last few weeks at work have seemed better, so that's good news. Probably a combination of some new medicine I am on (Wellbutrin and Lexapro- Lexapro helps with Depression AND Generalized Anxiety Disorder) as well as just trying to stay positive and just do as best I can and not worry about the work I am not getting to. That's the only way to handle it, I suppose. ONE CASE AT A TIME. And my speed and know-how/ experience with cases will improve over time... it did with my previous SSA position, I know.

My supervisor also reassigned 9 of my disability cases to a new CR (claims representative) in our office, so that took my list down from 61 disability claims pending to 52. Then I moved 7 cases when I worked 4.5 hours Saturday, so that made a nice dent and I'm down to 45. Granted it should be more like 15 or 18, but let's just focus on the good parts. My retirement/survivors list is looking good, too, and I think that just has about 9 cases on it...

And while I'm staying positive, I'll just not mention the tons of voicemail messages that need return calls from me, 18 appeals, or the 15 or so child claims also waiting to be worked... or the fact that right now I do 4 interviews a day and starting in July they are bumping me up to 5 interviews a day. Choosing not to think or worry about that is healthier. When it comes time, I'll deal with those things one at a time, just as I am learning to do with the disability and retirement cases.

All joking aside, Dean's message at church reminded me that there is no ideal life, and God teaches and works in us through our trials and tribulations. In an ideal life I could take my interviews and complete my cases too. I'd have time to be thorough, helpful, and friendly for each and every claimant I helped. And there would be enough CR's to handle our workload and there would be enough SR's (service representatives) so that we CR's would not get pulled from our own work and cases to go help with soical security cards, address changes, and other things we get paid too much to do.... The Fleecing of America. Our Tax Dollars at Work. (-:

BUT, seriously. I really, really enjoy the majority of people I interview. There are lots of varieties of people, and so many different life experiences. Some have all their teeth, some don't. Rich people, middle class people, poor people, educated people, high school drop outs, waffle house waitresses, and ex-Surgeon Generals. People with positive outlooks and people who suffer from mental illness. People who were doing fine and became suddenly sick and are facing losing everything. People who suddenly lost their husband or children who's mother died. Most born in the United States, but some that are just Legal Immigrants, and some that started as Immigrants and worked hard and got their citizenship. We interview people from ALL walks of life. People of all types are valuable, JUST AS THEY ARE, and I care about them, I really do. And they feel that, and walk away from a potentially stressful, frustrating government experience thanking me for helping them, telling me I'm a blessing, and, most importantly, less stressed than when they first sat down.

And that's why God has me right where I am right now.

Perseverence, Character, Hope

Romans 5:3-5 (New International Version)

3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

I have to stay at Social Security. For now, at least. Calling it a suffering is probably extreme depending on the day (today, for instance, I had a good day and met interesting people), but the point remains. I need to endure it, persevere, hang tough. I can do it. I should do it, and I shouldn't look for an easy way out because the going got tough.

I do absolutely love children. I do hope one day to be with them all day long. And I hope that day is fast approaching. But I need to wait for God's timing, and not try to jump ship early.

Verdict Is- Stay right where I am. But Ben and I are going to try (starting with Friday's pay checks!) to live on the money we'd have if I did work just 24 hours a week or as a preschool teacher. The "surplus" can build savings and pay school loans down super fast. One day, if we get to become parents, maybe we'll consider changing my hours or job then. Until then, we'll learn to tighten our budget and I will persevere.

Thanks again for your prayers over the last several months as I was working through all this! Love you guys!

Depression, Anxiety, and Work

Sandy is a Psychologist. A darn good one. She was over for dinner last night, and we had a short talk. We've done lots of emailing, too, so she sorta stays up on my "stuff'. Anyway, in one of entries awhile back, I mentioned I was asked by my parents to hold back on any job changes until I talked to Sandy. So I did. Here's some thoughts.

When you've been going to Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Social Workers, and other types of counselors for 10 years, you realize sometimes you might need your family and friends' advice. I figured I should respect my parents' request. Lots of parents out there interfere with their kids lives all the time. Mine don't. They really don't. That's why even though I'm 33, I figured I should listen. (-:

All those doctors, so much medicine, so little conclusive decisions.

Depression- definitely. Recurring major depressive episodes over the span of many years. Some manageable, some pretty darn awful. You swear you're not the suicidal type until, well, one day your suicidal. Sometimes I just felt so hopeless and overwhelmed by that lack of hope that I literally saw no point in being alive. UNTIL I remembered two things- 1- most suicide attempts don't work and how embarrasing would that be and 2- my family would be so hurt. i do have some people who love me, and that would just be selfish. I wish I could say it was only in non-Christian phases of my life, but I can't. One day my spiritual life would be doing great, the next I might hit bottom and want OUT. Thankfully, my last medicine changes have made huge strides, and I haven't felt suicidal in months. I also just have a better outlook overall. That is PROGRESS! (-: But if you are one of those super Christians (or Tom Cruise) who think it's JUST spiritual warfare and there's no chemical problems involved, stay away from me with those opinions. My chemicals might be off balance that day and there is no telling what I might say to you.

About three years ago, my shrink and I thought we had me figured out. Finally. It must be Bipolar Disorder. I had a manic episode- talking fast, really fast thoughts, not needing much sleep at night, getting up early to run on my treadmill (imagine that!), etc. The med changes seemed to help at the time. But since coming to Atlanta, my doctors here -- and Sandy agrees-- feel there is no way I'm bipolar. I agree, too. I spend every work day intervieweing disabled people. I hear REAL stories of people wth REAL bipolar disorder. I do not fit these descriptions. Why the one manic episode? Oh, that was medicine induced. Beware of too much prozac (that doctor increased my dosage during my menstral cycle) at the same time you are on prednisone for eczema! Thankfully, they've taken me off the scary drugs like Neurontin and Depakote! I'm lots more alert at work now.

Here's a new piece to the puzzle, though. Sandy's observation is that I might have GAD- Generalized Anxiety Disorder. If it's the original, main problem, it would explain the recurring depression that keeps returning for me. I don't get panic attacks, so I figured I don't have anxiety. But GAD doesn't work the same way.

I'm still learning about it, but here's what Web MD says... Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events. People with GAD tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work or school. In people with GAD, the worry often is unrealistic or out of proportion for the situation.

Symptoms of GAD include:
Excessive, ongoing worry and tension
An unrealistic view of problems
Restlessness or a feeling of being "edgy"
Irritability
Muscle tension
Headaches
Difficulty concentrating
Tiredness
Trouble falling or staying asleep

Interesting. I don't worry about family, or money, or health. I do worry a lot about work, and- according to Ben- a lot about what others think of me. (That stems back to some family history, some work history, and some really sad friend histories). Did you know that my CHS senior class voted me "most likely to die studying"? And one time I messed up a solo in an Orchestra concert because I was sure it would be a disaster- but I had already done it beautifully at a concert a few weeks before. Saying I got stressed out about school is a huge understatement. Also, between my genetics and my family dynamics vs my personality, it might explain a lot. Guess I need to start thinking, journaling, and praying on those thoughts and memories!

Definitely have something new to discuss with the Psychiatrist next time I go. (in another two months...) I wonder if he was suspecting GAD and didn't tell me, or if he just randomly chose an anti-depressant that happened to also help with GAD. Wonder if he'll "concur" with that idea. Guess I'll have to start learning new triggers to recognize. This mental health stuff has no easy recovery or ways to get better! It's an ongoing learning and unlearning process!

English Visitors

This week the Julyans have had special visitors in our lives. Sandy and Kaela are here from England. Some of you may have heard me mention Sandy or remember when she visited once before. She's Dad's good friend from Second Life. The computer game. It's odd at first. They met each other because Sandy plopped on Dad's head when she was teleporting from one place to another. Over a year later, and they are very close friends. She's helped Dad through an unpredictible year. One of a prostrate cancer diagnosis, a daughter's first year of being married, and of a wife getting a breast cancer diagnosis. I knew they were close and talked literally daily, but it wasn't until talking with Sandy last night until I fully realized that Dad really does open up with her and tell her all about everything. For instance I referred to him freaking out if I asked for help with Math after 10PM in High School and she said, oh, he told me about that. WHAT? Wonder what that conversation would have been like?!? (-: Anyway, I am not aware of him having someone he's done that with in the past, but I think he, like all of the rest of us, really appreciates having someone "safe" to share himself with.

Sandy likes to say everything happens for a reason. Well, whatever the reason is, I'm grateful for her friendship to my Dad over the last 12 or so months. Technically, they're distant cousins. Our family is from Cornwall England and so is hers!

Sure is strange, though. Dad is "different" while Sandy and her 14 year old daughter Kaela are here. Not different in a bad way, actually, I'd say different in a wonderful way. It's like she brings out the zest for life he lost who knows how long ago. My 63 year old father- who has gone on TWO trips (both to Baltimore to see me) since retiring five years ago- is hopping in the car to go to Florida tomorrow. On a whim! And earlier this week he went to the Coca Cola Museum, and there are plans for Six Flags when they get back from Florida. He's doing things that are unselfish to help Sandy and Kaela get around town, and they tell me he even went shopping and didn't even complain once. And the crazy thing is, Dad seems to really be ENJOYING it all! He's having fun and just being himself. It's wonderful.

Don't we all need friends that just love us and enjoy us and accept us the way we are? Doesn't that allow us to just be free in ourselves?

Who's your friend like this? Who do you this for? Have you spent time together recently? REAL time together? JUST DO IT!

Dawn's Grace Box

Started to write Soap Box, but decided Grace Box was more appropriate... I don't have Dawn's permission, but she sort of summed up the Midtown Church Philosophy in one blog entry, so please go check it out....

http://dawndorathy.blogspot.com/

entry-- Sunday, May 21, 2006 : Sinners in the hands of an angry God

Asheville Trip

We enjoyed our trip to Asheville last weekend as well. We did not do as well with the camera, though, so there aren't really any pictures to post. We drove up Friday, then Saturday we met up with Christy, Otto and their three boys: Evan, Hunter (Gage's name changed!), and Eric. Christy was a roommate of mine senior year at Davidson. Evan was playing a T Ball game and poor Otto was feeling awful because he was really sick and had been at work all morning. Ben and I then drove for a few hours on the Blue Ridge Parkway which was awesome- very pretty and lots of quality time together. It was foggy and overcast, though, so not a great day for pictures. We also went to a great restaurant for dinner- Tupalo Honey Cafe. Very Asheville. We enjoyed the jacuzzi at our hotel- a Country Inn which is a lot more in our budget than where we stayed for our Honeymoon last year.

And then Sunday we went to Church at Christy's church. She's the Associate Minister at a Methodist Church, and she preached the sermon, so it was great to see her in action. We went out to lunch, and then headed home with a quick stop at the Outlet Malls on the way. Their boys are cute, and growing fast! It was a nice and relaxing get away.

Hey, and just for the record, our wedding cake still tastes good after a year in the freezer!

Ben spoke at church this morning. It was nice to be back. It seems like we haven't been there in awhile. We've just been out of town so much. Always nice to be surrounded by people you know and love! Lots of babies to play with, too. It's baby central at Midtown, with two more on the way in the Fall!

Well, I'm off to go finish up staining our deck. It was almost finished yesterday and then we got interrupted by rain and had to call it quits for the day. Tonight we get to go out to a nice restaurant for my Mom's birthday! Then tomorrow more work around the house and Sandy comes in from England.

I like three day weekends, don't you? Enjoy yours!

Oops, forgot Lake Michigan.

We also got to see Lake Michigan. It's really big and actually has a beach....


 

Chicago

Our last day, we went into Chicago and went to the Art Institute of Chicago and enjoyed some amazing art. They have some very famous paintings, and they are some of my favorites! They have works by Renoir, Seurat, Monet, and Picasso. 

Playground fun!

First Ben pushed Zeke on the merry go round thing. Then we looked over, and little Zeke was pushing Uncle Ben and Jacob!

Swinging was also lots of fun.


 

More at the Playground.

 

We got to see lots of Beautiful Tulips!

 

W

 

Festivities

These folks are serious about their heritage. They even dress their children in Holland stuff. Aren't these random children cute? Then there are the 1,000 high school girls in the area that learn Holland dances for the festival. There are also all the high school bands that march in the parades. We got a free performance one morning- the middle school band marched right in front of Tom and Amy's house for practice! The boys were so excited... It's a parade! A parade!


 

Tom, Amy, Jacob, and Zeke!

Next stop was Holland Michigan. Ben's brother Tom, his wife Amy, and their two boys live here. Their boys are full of energy. Zeke loves Thomas the Train and Jacob loves Star Wars. Tom is a youth minister, and they live in a parsonage. It was great fun to visit them, and they humored us and took us to the Tulip Festival activities.


 

Visiting Elizabeth, Joe, and Elise

The first night and next day, we stayed with Ben's brother Joe, his wife Elizabeth, and their daughter, Elise. Joe started a new position in January, and we were excited to get to go to church with him Sunday! He's a youth minister and they live in a beautiful and rooomy parsonage (one of the members of their church is professional painter and got their color requests before they moved in!). Elise is in kindergarten and had just learned to ride her "TWO WHEELER" the week before we got there. She's also great at reading and coloring. It was wonderful to visit them.

We also got to see Ben's parents (Grammy and Grampy / Linda and Louie) Saturday night. They met us near Wheat0n to enjoy some REAL Chicago style pizza and then stayed over Saturday night as well. It was great to see them, too. And, my goodness, is Grammy an excellent Garage Sale shopper. She had bags and bags of stuff for Elise! (-: Ever wonder where Ben gets his good looks? Check out his mirror image (I mean his Dad!).
 

travel pictures

Our first visit was to Wheaton. It's surprisingly close to Chicago, but it's right in the middle of a town. Pretty campus, and we happened to be there on graduation day, so of course everthing was just so- lots of colorful tulips everywhere. Ben hadn't been back in ten years or something, so he enjoyed seeing the changes. I've never been, so I enjoyed seeing this place he and Charles called home for four years. They were roomates way back, did you know that? And that, btw, is why Ben had to take the following pictures... they added this new skate park and we figure Charles would be quite sad that he never had it while he was there! It was very cool.
I'll also include the picture of "thier" table. Apparently if you sat your keys down to save your place and you didn't belong, "they" would throw them in a planter. Now, does that sound like a Christian atmosphere to you? That would NOT have fit in as part of the DAVIDSON honor code, I assure you!

Asheville Anniversary Tour

We're headed to Asheville for our First Anniversary weekend get away. (-: We'll get to see Christy and Otto and their three boys while we're there. And I've arranged for Baxter to have a special friend to come visit several times while we're gone... our 7 year old neighbor Jasmine (and her Mom) are going to come over to play with him. (-:

We owe you pictures from our Chicago and Michigan trip! Sorry! There were tons, so it's not a little task. Soon!

Never asked the boss about part time. My parents begged me to wait so I am. They want me to talk it over with our friend Sandy from England when she's here in a few weeks and that's a nice idea. She's an extremely intelligent and well educated Psychologist, so we figure she'll help with an objective overview of stuff. I can do that. And today the thought occurred to me maybe I should stick it out until we're able to have a baby and THEN try to go part time. But gosh, that could easily be more than an entire year away and that's a REALLY long time. We're not even quite ready to start "trying" and who knows if I'll even be able to get pregnant...

So many thoughts. Some days sticking it out at Social Security seems possible. Other days are so awful and bleed into the rest of everything it just is NOT worth it. We'll see. Thanks for your continued prayers on the topic. We appreciate them and definitely feel God's presence in it all!

Have a great weekend!

Midtown's Link

Our church recently updated our website.... it's still a work in progress, but it's pretty neat:

http://midtownchurch.com/index.html