This Might Get Too Personal...

Are you wondering what things go through my head when I'm depressed? First of all, you should know I'm extra good at "stuffing" emotions. Second of all, you should know I'm not currently seeing a therapist, and I am sure I probably should be. When you've been to a half dozen or more of them, it just sucks to have to go re-tell the same stuff to someone who you may or may not connect with after three or four sessions.

As I said, if I have nothing positive to say, it's best not to say anything at all. And all along growing up, it was, "JENNIFER, just deal with it!" In fact, I remember a recent dinner with my family where I wanted to crawl under the table. It was very painful, shameful, and embarrassing for me. My sister and parents were telling Ben- and laughing all about it- that I was always a whinny kid that complained a lot. Granted that must be annoying for your family, but do you think as a three year old it was a conscious decision on my part, or that I was already just that unhappy that often?!? You know?!? Is that REALLY a laughing matter at all?

I learned early on (especially in school, but also at home, church, and at friends' houses) that people liked you when you were polite, did what they asked, worked hard at things, were responsible, and let them know how much you liked them. I was pretty successful at those things. Bill and Jean call this "Performance Based Acceptance". It works very, very well in the worldly world. PBA generally does not, however, allow us to grow into the person God intended us to be.

It was a rare thing for my often extreme emotions to be validated, accepted, or even listened to. Instead, they were considered to be inconvenient, too extreme, bothersome, or inappropriate. That kinda sucks when, in fact, you aren't just making them up for attention or something. They're there, they're real, you're scared and frustrated, and you need help dealing with them. Instead, you're told to make them stop. SO, that's what I learned to do. Really, it's better for all the people around you that way. You're less of an inconvenience for them if you go along with the flow, handle everything as best you can, and pretend everything is fine even when it isn't. Another key for me was withdrawing- both physically and emotionally. At least then you aren't a burden to the people around you. Hey, when it's hard enough to find friends as it is, it just isn't SAFE to show them the ugly you, you know? They'll be gone before you know it, and just when you're at the most vulnerable!

Unfortunately, hiding emotions might make them quiet for awhile, but it does NOT make them disappear. The stuffed emotions usually wait to resurface until things have built up to a point that you just can't hold it in anymore, and then, well, it's impossible to deal with it all. It all comes out at once, and it's just too overwhelming. This is the heart of an emotional breakdown. I almost had one at work Friday. That's not generally good, BTW. But you don't usually get to control where the pressure point gets too strong for the lid to stay shut. Couple added pressures happened in the morning, and, well, I broke. No worries, though. I excused myself for some water, came back, and finished the interview with the claimant. He was sweet. He said, you know, sometimes, I just have to pray at times like those.

The thing is, despite having major depression, and maybe this is part of the stuffing thing, I don't cry much. Lots of girls get to have a good cry every so often. I just can't do it. I don't know if it makes me too vulnerable, or makes my failure too obvious, or what. Instead, I just stop feeling anything. Good or Bad.

So what's wrong with me lately? In no particular order, allow me to just make a list and VENT. This is more for me than you, since it seems to be the only way I'll unstuff them. Please understand that these are MY problems, not the problems or faults of anyone mentioned....

1-I'm in the wrong job. I love kids, and I don't handle pressure well. Put me in a position where we take in more work than we can ever do, add the public who needs their cases done timely so they get the money they are entitled to when they are entitled to it, and then add on top of that micromanaging, unrealistic managers. Oh, and then realize there's no hope of adding enough new employees for it to ever get better. (Bush just cut our budget but increased our workload.) Hmm. What happens to perfectionist Jen? Stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff. Smile through it. I'm fine. I can do it. I have a positive attitude, and I just want to help these people. I'm certainly smart and capable enough to do this work. I'm drowning. I pray, and get through some more weeks. I'm drowning again, but in deeper water. I hold my head up high, don't let them think of you as a bother, just do your best and don't complain. Oh, cool, a new raise. $53K a year now. My parents always said hard work pays off. Hmm. But is this really worth ANY amount of money? Being miserable all day, even at evenings, having nightmares, and not enjoying weekends? I just don't think so. Is success measured by how much money you make? Many would say yes. But I don't think so. I think success is working in the area that God gave you the gifts where your work comes naturally, and where your work allows you do to His work. I think financial success is different to God than it is to my parents. I think I need to start looking into becoming a preschool teacher. And I just could NOT care less that it could easily mean making less than 40% of what I currently make. I'm going to stay in my current job while I look for a new one, though. And we'll just see what God provides in this area. BTW, talking amongst friends I've heard two consistent thoughts: you'd be great at that, and, hey, once you have them, you could take your kids to work with you!

2- I'm fat. I overeat. I hate the way I look and feel, yet sometimes food is the only comfort I find or the only thing I enjoy. Sometimes I wish I had chosen Alcohol or Cigarettes. There are 12 step programs and patches for those addictions. I currently weigh 251 lbs. Five years ago, in May of 2001, I weighed 166. At 5'4", I SHOULD weigh 135 or so. 116 lbs overweight is gross. Just ask the people who turn around for a second look and laugh with their friends at stores. Don't they realize there's a person in here? An intelligent person with feelings?

3-My husband is overweight, too. We fell in love over the phone, and I truly loved him just the way he was. Living with him, though, it's a lot harder to look past the weight (as I am sure it is for him toward me) than I ever imagined it would be. Yes, in theory, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and what's on the inside is more important that what's on the outside. In practice, though, it's a constant mirror of my least favorite thing about myself.

4-My parents have the strangest marriage imaginable. I just don't understand (not that I need to understand or that it is any of my business) why they didn't divorce many, many years ago. It's not like they have a religious belief against divorce. A co-existence is not the same as a marriage. Add an online girlfriend who understands Dad more than Mom ever has and constant activities and travels Dad wants nothing to do with to the mix, and you've got a roommate, not a spouse. Oh, and lots of pain that neither of them wishes to talk about or acknowledge. Even battling cancer, one after another last summer didn't seem to bring them emotionally closer. Odd, really. Maybe they're just private and didn't share that stuff with my sister and me. "Everything's fine, we're fine with the way things are, it works for us." 37 years (I think) this November. They're not fooling me, but maybe they are fooling themselves.

5-Why did Shadow have to be put down? And why is Figaro so sick? It really sucks. We spent a fortune on Figaro last week at the specialists'. The hope was she'd run tests, find out exactly what his issue was, and fix his diet and/or meds so he'd be more comfortable. You know what we found out? He's really sick. (DUH! Knew That!) I just can't figure out why he's still breathing. The middle lobe of one of his lungs collapsed, his heart doesn't pump right- he has cardiovascular disease, one of his kidneys is to small, so the other is huge to compensate for it, he has bladder stones, his pancreas has something wrong with it, and he has a large mass at the end of his stomach where his intestines begin (hence the regular vomiting). Yet, he still gets around, usually has an appetite, and purrs so it's not yet time to put him down. Doing it now would be a selfish way to cut down all the kitty clean up that I currently have. And, while I'd be lying if I said I haven't been tempted, I'm just not that mean.

6-I really, really want kids of my own, but Ben just isn't quite on that page yet. He's probably right, too. Our marriage still requires regular "tune ups" with the marriage counselors, and our finances aren't quite in order. Better than lots of people our age, but not where we want them to be. School loans and a car on a lease make things tighter than we'd like them to be. Plus, if I'm this much of a mess now, what makes me think I can be a Mom 24/7? On the other hand, I'm 33 and Ben will be 37 in June. It's not like we have tons of time to wait to start trying. Sure, some people get pregnant when they first start trying, but I have tons of friends that had tons of difficulties. And my being overweight will make it that much more difficult.

7-I know I need to get on a diet. It's scary, though. I'll fail again. I've been on diets before. I've lost weight before. But, alas, I now weigh more than ever in my past. That, without a doubt, makes every one of those prior diets a failure. I hate failure. I love food. I hate limiting what I eat, and I love sweets.

8- I know I need a therapist, but y'all are free, and such great listeners...

Hey, give me a shout out! Identify with any of this baggage I carry? Leave a comment!