What is Depression?

Well, for starters, it sucks. And it never truly goes away. Unless you are a person that is "lucky enough" to have depression just once or twice because of a specific life occurrence- loss of a loved one, etc., most people that suffer from depression know that- even on the good days- the crap is always there, looming in the background, waiting for a weak moment to come back and take over your life again. Sure, it's a weakness. Why don't we just snap out of it? Hmm. Let's see. If that was a possibility, and I hate being depressed, well, you get my point. It's a chemical problem as well as an emotional problem. A lot of legalistic Christians think it's a spiritual problem where you just need more faith, and you'll be fine. I definitely agree that Satan sees it as a time of weakness in me, and jumps at the opportunity to pull me away from God. Many times, like the last week or so, I have been so angry at God that I'd prefer he just did NOT exist. That would be easier, really, than trying to understand WHY he chooses some of us "lucky" ones to struggle with this issue.

So, why haven't I written in several weeks? I was always taught that if I didn't have anything positive to say, it was best not to say anything at all. Since I've been increasingly down since my last entry, I've had less and less positive to say, and therefore less and less to write.

Some might wonder what a recently married, middle class white girl in an adorable new home who lives near her family might have to be depressed about. Good question, intellectually. But emotions do not make sense. I am constantly fighting disappointment in every aspect of my life. I was brought up a perfectionist, and to make things worse, my chemical make-up is pure perfectionism. Since perfect doesn't really exist, what is left is disappointment when things never measure up. I sometimes blame my environment, the people around me, the world in general, etc. But in reality, and on good days, I know it's a flesh issue. My flesh uses my perfectionism to push me to my wit's end. The point? That's where God comes in. I can't win this battle alone. HE is here to help me, guide me, support me, and love on me through my countless failures. Without GRACE, if it was about earning God's love, I'd be in a heap of trouble. We all would, wouldn't we? Grace, by definition, is a gift. God loved us so much, that He knew we'd screw it all up over and over again just because, well, we're human, and, since He wants us to be in relationship with Him, and because He wants to be able to work in and through us, He forgave us before we even realized what a mess we'd made of things.

It's human nature to want to have complete control of ourselves and the things and people in our lives. It's God's point, exactly, that we do not, and never will, have control of things or our environment. The balance needed, then, is to hand the control over to God, and then, to TRUST him with that control. He, after all, created us in His image. Isn't He better suited to run stuff anyway? Isn't His much bigger, much smoother plan way better than anything we could come up with?

That is all easier said than done, though. Understanding and believing things are in God's hands is a totally different thing than living life knowing and trusting entirely that EVERYTHING is in GOD'S LOVING HANDS.

Pardon my music analogy, but I like to think of Him as a master conductor. Even the most talented musicians can't play their best as an orchestra until their conductor has an overall interpretation and understanding of ALL the parts of the music. And, then, that conductor lovingly pulls the best music out of each musician and brings it together in one amazing beautiful and harmonic symphony. Could the conductor have done this without the musicians? Nope. Could the musicians have done it without the conductor? Nope. It's a bigger picture. A much bigger picture. And the effect, the influence, involves more than the musicians and conductor. It involves the audience, too!